All The Lovely Attractive Negroes Touch Amicably
289.6 pounds. That’s a weight gain of 0.4 lbs.… which I think is just awesome considering the amount of crap that I have eaten this week. I don’t know if I mentioned this or not but Weight Watchers changed up their program. Not too much… but just enough for it to just make it across the line of disconcertment. When I first joined, there were two programs, one in which you could essentially eat as much as you wanted as long as it was within this extensive list of healthy foods, the other was more regimented were every food had a point value and you were to track all the food that you consumed. You were assigned a “Daily Points” total (based on your weight, height and age) and you were not to go over those points in a day. A year or so later and they combined the two programs into one whereas everyone had to begin tracking and begin to include as many healthy foods as possible into your diet. The program now is essentially the same; they just altered the points of all food and altered everyone’s Daily Points Total. It’s a simple change really but it does take a minute to get used to. Basically all food has a point value, they just amped up the points of some foods and reduced the points for others. The thing is… my Daily Points Total is now astronomically high so it’s been an adjustment to accommodate the mass volume of healthy foods I need to ingest to reach that target. This week in particular was a true exercise in testing Weight Watcher’s science. It was an arduous week to say the least and my main drug for attacking arduousness… food; glorious, glorious food… sometimes sex, but mostly food. Maybe some quiet time with my Tori Amos CD’s but for the most part… F-O-O-D.
As I mentioned in my last post, my current position at work is amazingly fun but also requires an amazingly amount of dexterity, creativity and efficiency… I can maybe claim one of the three. But I’ve been working through it. There are enough horror stories out there of people being fired for publicly indulging their employment woes for me not to swim too deep into those waters but I’ll just say, I’ve been plugging away at my job duties as fast as I can, trying to be as calm, rational and professional as possible… despite the fact that all three attributes have at one point or another been interpreted as condescending, derogatory and/or offensive. Mae West once famously said, “"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." This has never been as true at this juncture in my life when just about everything I say is interpreted as a double entendre. But I can’t play victim, I put myself in that position. I suppose someone could interpret my “Thank You” as “Fuck You” when I claim my profession to be a Fluffer for the Los Angeles Zoo on my Facebook profile.
And if you have been keeping up with me on my Facebook profile you would have discovered that I received two, count them, TWO(!) red light camera violations while driving around Chicago in the Mustang I rented during the holiday season. The city sent the violations to the rental car company then the rental car company sent them to me with their additional fees. After the predictable onslaught of phone calls to get the whole thing cleared up, I was given a web link that supposedly had video footage as well has photographs of me running through two red lights on two separate occasions. I was hoping that either the footage was missing or just dense enough to warrant a repeal. Steven Spielberg should be so lucky to capture such crystal clear film with the perfect angles of a chubby Black man singing along to “Cornflake Girl” as he speeds right through the intersection of 79th and Jeffrey. I was thinking of a million different ways to get out of paying the damn thing but after showing the footage to a friend who could not stop laughing at the fact that I did not even slow down even a little bit when I got to the intersection, I figured that even a blind man could see that I was clearly in the wrong, both times, and there is no way around it... and I’m just going to have to pay Richard M. Daley his fucking extortion money.
Enter Elliot. Elliot is an ex-boyfriend who is quite a bit older than me. How old. Well… technically he could be my father, or… really cute older boyfriend. Anywho… it didn’t really work out but we remained really good friends and the only thing greater than the affection I have towards his family is the affection they have towards me, particularly his mom who has unintentionally become my surrogate mother of sorts since my actual mom is 2,000 miles away in Chicago. What I have become to his family is sort of like… the ex-wife who still comes around and checks up on everybody and to see how everybody’s doing. One glorious day when Elliot finally meets somebody or I finally meet somebody it’s all going to have to come to a screeching halt but until then, there is no way in the world I’m going to turn away a home cooked meal or that woman’s hugs. So amidst work woes, blowing all the monkeys in the monkey cage and reaping the full repercussions of being behind the wheel of a speeding Mustang in the ghetto… I decided to go “home” and get some good ole fashion lovin’… food and hugs; and I indulged in both to soothe my poor little heart.
I didn’t go to the gym as much as I wanted to but I did get there twice which, I’m sorry, I think is just fucking good! As well as I do the 0.4 lbs weight gain. Considering this week, the stress, and the way I usually handle it, going to the gym twice and only gaining 0.4 lbs is fucking awesome! Usually with a week like this… the gym wouldn’t have even been an option… and the extra 0.4 lbs. of food I piled on my plate would have been 40.0 lbs. So all in all, I’m in pretty good spirits. What I do have to watch out for is Elliot’s mom’s birthday which is January 29th. It’s going to be a full tilt boogie spread. Collard greens, sweet potatoes, yams, friend chicken, ham, potato salad, macaroni and cheese, peach cobbler, chili, spaghetti… are you hungry yet? Yeah… I was already there when I found out about it. I’m already planning on shoving piles and piles of vegetables and water down my gullet before I get there so I don’t do would I usually do which is change into my “Eatin’ Clothes”, fill my feed bag with as much food as it can carry, strap it to my chin and eat until I pass out.
Some other dates of note are coming up in May, June and July. There are some pretty big black tie events happening up at my job in May and June that I very much want to attend in the most dramatic and stunning ways possible. I want to buy a suit. I think the last time I wore a suit I graduated from Kindergarten. July is Black Gay Pride here in Los Angeles which… is a whole other blog onto itself… but I’ll just say I have had a checkered past with the whole affair. But I could be convinced to partake in some of the festivities now that some of my closest friends are going to be in attendance. And I would love to be there minus a chin or two.
I do want to get back down to Atlanta for Labor Day. Aaaah… Atlanta… where All The Lovely Attractive Negroes Touch Amicably… Atlanta!
… but I want to see my penis without holding in my stomach before I go back… so I’m going to the gym…
Weigh-In: 289.6
