KILLER QUEEN

by Breeze Vincinz

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I’VE BEEN ALL AROUND THE WORLD, as far as the eye can see.

And have seen every walk of life from Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee!”

 

says the gigantic, tall and voluptuous drag queen

with the bright blood orange bouffant and lips of crimson sheen.

 

The group of young and coiffed Caucasians drinking Zima,

form a circle around her as if she were a donna who was prima.

 

“Come around me children” she says “and make sure you take heed

that not everything you want is everything you need!”

 

The rest of Khoikhoi is engaged in all of the night’s antics

Music, drinking and an Asian stripper who’s body is fantastic

 

Some want to pay attention but there is way too much to observe

Too much energy flowing through the bar, it sways, it curves

 

It mists through the crowd like an excitable fog

It excites people’s carnal desires as if they were ravenous hogs

 

But these frat boys and sorority girls stand in rapture

Of the drag queen in front of them with such an amazing stature

 

“Once upon a time there was a boy named Bill Hempkins

He was born in a housing project in a rough part of Memphis

 

He had one little brother, one big momma and a whole lot of love

Didn’t prevent his neighborhood from their pushes and shoves

 

Not upon him but upon his younger, smaller sibling

Whose stature was so small his bones could crack like kindling

 

‘The world can be a vicious place’ Bill sang to the young one

People are evil and devious and deceptive and filled with gunk

 

I’m telling you, don’t be fooled by some rose colored sycophant

This world is just fucked up, don’t believe anything different’

 

But the little one only smiled and said, ’Oh brother bear!

Not everything is out to attack us! Some people care.’

 

‘Not enough’ snapped Bill. ‘Not enough to not have no defense

We are of color, were are of the South, our lives are condensed’

 

Bill went through life with the biggest chip on his shoulder

He beat his enemies for the lesson to be learned by his brother

 

It’s a dog eat dog world, your bite has to be equal to your bark

You have to be aware of the monsters; you have to know the dark

 

‘Oh brother bear, why don’t come over here and play with me,

I’m not trying to hurt you, I just want to climb trees’

 

And only with the little one could Bill lay down his guard

It was only then could he seem to get closer to God

 

And when Bill wasn’t attacking the world with a ferocious bent

The little one succumbed to the senseless cycle of violence

 

He wasn’t involved in any drug deal done gone horribly awry

He wasn’t a thief, a pimp, a dealer, or a bad guy

 

He was a little kid walking with his older brother to the store

When the sky was showered with bullets coming from a 4 x 4

 

The target of the attack is still under investigation

The cause could have been money, could have been discrimination

 

What’s for sure is that when the sky opened up with magnum rain

Little one used his body for an umbrella, Bill felt no pain

 

Bill went on a rampage and tried to kill everything he saw

Regardless of the consequence, regardless of the law

 

The world he felt was viscous and could eat a baby whole

Ate his little brother and turned his heart into coal

 

Convinced there was no karma or anything as consequence

His uncontrollable rage ruled over his commonsense

 

He pulled out his gun and shot someone of a different color

He hoped it would fill the void left by his absent brother

 

What it filled was years of journal entries of hate and pain

As he sat in his jail cell trying to maintain

 

It was the little brother of his victim that sliced his heart

“Dear Mr. Hempkins, you don’t know me, but my name is Bart

 

I used to live in a trailer with my brother and my mom

She tells me to read the bible and study the psalms

 

She tells me not to hate you; that vengeance is not with me

That it is with the Lord and that he repays mightily

 

To not take revenge but leave room for God’s wrath

That it is his to avenge and your fate is his math

 

But I often find myself sitting down and truly hating you

For everything little thing that you are, and everything you do

 

For what you’ve taken from me and what it’s making me become

I have no one to play with; I am my mom’s only son

 

So I hope you rot in jail, I hope your nights are long

I hope you realize one day that what you did was wrong

 

You made me realize that in this world there is no joy

Signed sincerely, a brotherless little boy”

 

And with this Bill began to cry uncontrollably

He thought about his life as a kid in Tennessee

 

And all the pain he soaked up in his soul like a sponge

And how he never had an opportunity for his pain to expunge

 

Like when he saw his father beat his mom with garden hose

Or when his best friend came to school with a broken nose

 

Or when the family down street was harassed by gangs so much

They left town never came back the night their house was torched

 

Or when the uncle he thought was decent and kind

Touched him in ways no one would think was refined

 

He took all that pain and hurt and tried to convince his brother

That the same fate awaited him if he didn’t run for cover

 

But his brother accepted the world and its indecent lashes

Even if it meant that his own skin would turn into ashes

 

And as little life as he lived, he had only love and no despair

He had more fun and light that his sibling, brother bear

 

And he cried because he realized all of that negative energy

Had robbed four people of their dreams, hopes and dignity

 

He’s in jail, his brother gone, another man shot down with hate

His little brother sure to follow the road of one of these fates

 

He just wanted his family safe; he never meant to hurt anybody

But now his rage has grown into a tradition of melancholy

 

Passed down from father to son and then from son to brother

And from brother to stranger and then stranger to another

 

He decided it would stop and it would stop right then and there

That this little boy and no one else would wallow in his despair

 

“Dear little boy I know you don’t want to hear from me

But I just needed to tell you that I listened carefully

 

Words cannot express what I did to you and your kin

I’ll never give you an excuse, there is none for what I did

 

I am sorry for your loss, I am sorry for your pain

Sorry for the inexplicable camaraderie you’ll never find again

 

I’m sorry I injected your life with my own anguish

I’m sorry that it’s your compassion that now languishes

 

Believe me I know that what I’ve done to your life was jarring

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry

 

But you cannot give up your life; you cannot give up your glee

You cannot preoccupy your time by hating me

 

Your mother was right, vengeance is worth the Lord

When the time is right, I will be struck down with that sword

 

But you have much more game to play, you have to live your life

You have to not be darkened by the brightness of my light

 

I’m not asking for compassion, I’m not asking for forgiveness

I’m asking for something similar to ambivalence

 

No one could ever defend what I did to you and your family

No one would say it was right, not even me

 

I will mourn the loss of your brother as I will my own

But I think it’s time we all made these houses we’re in our home

 

No more fighting, no more hate, I am suffering, you are alive

Blame me, but let it go, I can live, but you can thrive

 

I tell you this because there is one thing that is frightening

Similarity between the two of us, so much of you in me

 

You’re in pain, you’re in mourning, you’re losing your religion

And to prevent you from becoming me has now become my mission

 

You cannot give up your life in reaction to my malevolence

YOU have to find peace, WE have to find solace

 

Don’t be bruised by the world and its indecent lashes

You can be your own phoenix that rises from your brother’s ashes

 

I say this to you as I say to me and even say to your brother

If the devil actually exists, I am not him or her

 

I am just a guy who has made a ton of horrible mistakes

With a mountain of regret I realize now that I’m awake

 

To repay my debt to you would take a lifetime of apologies

But if God actually exists, he is in you as she is in me

 

So I beg of you to live your life without an anchor of hate

To have a childhood of climbing trees, an adolescence with dates

 

An adulthood with privilege and love and peace

Do not give that up with an obsession with me

 

So I beg of you do not give up your sun, your light, your air

Signed sincerely, your Brother Bear”

 

But his pleas fell on deaf ears and the little boy grew up

to be quite the terror in Knox County, in a town called Farragut

 

Vandalism, grand theft auto, drug possession, forgery

DUI, carrying a concealed weapon, aggravated battery

 

Attempted murder, bad checks, stalking, statutory rape

Public intoxication, selling bootleg Tyler Perry videotapes

 

By the time he was 23 he got 25 years to life with no parole

Bill still kept in contact with him, he worried for his soul

 

“Oh little one” he wrote “I tried to tell you well

That you reap what you sow, you buy what you sell

 

You get what give, I tried to give you serenity

Even still I hope you’re doing well, still hope you forgive me.”

 

“Fuck you,” he replied back “I’m insulted you’re still alive.

You’ve caused nothing but grief over the years, nothing but jive

 

You’re sugary words over the years were for you not me

They were to ease your conscious, ease your own grief

 

I will never accept your apologies, I will always feel aloof

So fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.”

 

“But what about love little one? Is hate still your gravity?

What can I do to bring you up?” wrote Bill cautiously

 

“Die” wrote the boy, “Be six feet underground, not breathing

It is then and only then that I will begin my healing”

 

“I have not seen you in 2 decades,” wrote Bill from his own cell

“Won’t bring your brother back, won’t release you from this hell

 

You have to take responsibility for things that you have done

The same as I have accepted decades of life without light or sun

 

My death is unavoidable, and it is part of the great plan

But the key to your happiness should not lie in my dead hands”

 

There was long time of silence that stretched after that letter

The young man wrote Bill many times but Bill never answered

 

Even as his temper rose and crested, even after his rage dimmed

Even after he was close to writing that he forgave him

 

“Bill must be 50 now” he thought, “if he’s not in his grave.

What a wondrous life would we have if all of us were saved

 

If there were no guns, no murders, no rage

What if we all didn’t act like rats in a cage

 

I still don’t fully accept my brother’s fate as acceptable

But realizing I screwed my own fate is becoming perceptible

 

Then one day while working out in the prison gym

The warden called and said there was a letter for him

 

“Dear Brotherless Boy, I truly hope all is well

As well as they can be inside of that cell

 

I know how it can drive you crazy and suck your soul clean

Especially when your soul’s weight at the start was pretty lean

 

I know you wanted my death to be your emotional salve

But I don’t think that would even cut your troubles in half

 

I think that no one’s death at all can bring peace

As evil and malevolent as their intentions my seem

 

In life I believe there are actually no real antagonists

Just misguided, misunderstood and unmindful protagonists

 

True villains only exist in Disney films with witches throughout

In real life all people have the same goal just different routes

 

We all pray to the same God we just give it a different name

We all want the best for our people, for them not to be defamed

 

In that I am not your enemy but a friend not actualized

I’m hoping these concepts don’t again make your heart crystalize

 

But I offer you this one last olive branch, one last plea

I offer you to live vicariously through me

 

How about instead of dreaming of you that I dream for you

How about everything I do I do for you too?

 

How about when I walk down the street and see a hot dog vendor

I’ll eat two and truly enjoy the flavors they engender

 

When I go to the beach and feel it’s warmth against my skin

I will feel it also warming the souls of you my auxiliary kin

 

And as I swim in the sea, slipping through each wave that smacks

It is you that will be sitting lotus style on my back

 

I can’t offer you my death but I can offer my life to you

Let it be the chalk window on your cell that you fly through

 

And just in case you wondering as I’m a am pretty sure you are

I am not longer encaged in a jail cell; in fact I am quite far

 

I would go into the specifics but its best that you don’t know

Not out legally or knowingly by my family, friends or the po po

 

But lest be sure that I’m out and I’m out for good

I’ll kill myself before I go back to that penal neighborhood

 

So either way I’m hoping this brings you some sort of solace man

Dead if I get caught, but if not I can be your talisman

 

Reminding you that there is a life outside that penitentiary

And a part of you is living a life that’s not sedentary

 

You will always be in my prayers; you will always be in my care

Sincerely love you always, Brother Big Bear”

 

The young man then looked at the envelope for the return address

There was none but it was postmarked California, Los Angeles

 

The music of Khoikhoi pulsated with an electronic features

As some female rapper spit quickly through the speakers

 

The fraternity boys and sorority girls sat in quiet awe

A little disappointed by the dourness of it all

 

“I thought that was going to be a fun story filled with glee

I thought that you were going to sing and entertain me”

 

One of the crowd said, visibly disturbed by morose tale

“You’re a drag queen after all, where’s the sugary details?”

 

Someone else added “And wasn’t the point of the whole thing

was that not everything you want is everything you need?”

 

“Exactly” said the drag queen “You were paying attention.

That had to do with Bill’s emotional detention

 

He wanted to teach his brother hate but he needed learn love

Wasn’t until his freedom was taken that he learned to look above

 

What he wanted was a world full filled with his own derision

A world so insulated from pain it had shit colored vision

 

It was his little brother who taught him about the simplicity

That everything you want, isn’t everything you need

 

Like now, you want a story filled with frivolity and blue humor

As if I am sparkle seller and you are an obedient consumer

 

What you need is a story about the tragedies in life

Because I know that you know tonight is the last night

 

This bar is being torn down and it’s a sad occasion for us

By “us” I mean everybody but you, I know of your business

 

I know you are affiliated with the new owners of this place

I can see your scrutiny; I can see it all over your face

 

I can see that you came in here as some sort of contrition

To make peace with your hand in this legacy’s termination

 

But let me tell you something, this here is just a building

The people inside here, we’re not just kindling

 

We’re just fags that you can burn your spit of pig over

We know the history here and that can never be painted over

 

So what you want is for this place to be a notch in your belt

What you need to know is the pain that is felt

 

By all of here who walked through the door looking for sanctuary

That group of boys over there, the old men, me

 

We all have our stories, and we all come here share

But you developers just tears things down like you don’t care”

 

Paulie comes to the group and asks, “You want another round.”

Someone says, “Six more Zima’s and whatever he wants, the clown”

 

The college crowd laugh uneasily, Paulie says, “Watch your tone”

Drag queen simply says, “Gran Centenario Leyenda Extra Añejo”

 

Paulie walks away, the kids laugh, and the Draq Queen continues

“Let me see, if I remember right Q8HRRZ and 6HEJU2”

 

“What are you remembering?” someone says with a pompous air

“He’s losing his mind, nothing underneath that pile if hair!”

 

Paulie returns with the drinks, on the bar he places them

Someone sees the Drag Queen’s shot and kindly gives it to him

 

Everyone else grabs the Zimas as the Drag Queen happily intones

“Get yourself a shot Paulie, enjoy the last night of our home”

 

Paulie pours himself a shot; they all raise their glass in toast

“To everyone here right now and your witty riposte

 

To everyone gone and all of their precious memories

To… my little brother, to… me

 

To all of the cars parked where they are not supposed to

Like Q8HRRZ and 6HEJU2

 

And the tow trucks I flagged down who were on patrol

As we laughed at who could park their cars like such assholes

 

And someone said the college kids who invested in this place

And I had to come in and see their face

 

So this toast I give is for the 1%

What I’ve done tonight might not make dent.

 

But I got a $30 shot of tequila out of it and a lot of laughs

To the whore of Hollywood people. Kiss my ass.”

 

The Drag Queen swallows the shot whole then smiles with glee

 

The college kids try to run but Paulie grabs one by the shoulder

“That’s $56 for the drinks, that’s if you want to grow older”

 

He throws three $20 bills on the counter, says “Keep the change”

Then runs out of the bar in a fit of rage.

 

“You’re not going to finish your shot?” The drag queen asks

“I already had two; Alan and Percival are going to kick my ass”

 

“I’ll take it” the drag queen says following with, “Holy Shit”

“If they kick my ass too… I would be totally worth it!”

 

“Maybe I could have one more, think I should” Paulie inquires

Drag queen says, “I think you should do what your heart desires”

 

Paulie pours the both of them their third consecutive shots

“To all that we have” Paulie says, “To all that we have lost”

 

They click their glasses together and swallow in synchronicity

“Oh girl, I think that is putting hair on my titties!”

 

They both laugh as they slap their glasses down

Someone yells from across the bar, “How about another round!”

 

Paulie moves down and pours drinks for the crowd

Right about here a boy walks in who looks about seventeen

And on the jukebox begins a raucous version of “Killer Queen”

 

“She keeps Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet

​

'Let them eat cake' she says Just like Marie Antoinette

​

A built-in remedy

​

For Khrushchev and Kennedy”

​

“Boy how old are you?” says the drag queen with hint of fun

​

He says “I know I don’t look it, but I just turned twenty one”

​

“Uh huh” says the Drag Queen rolling his eyes with incredulity

​

“She's a Killer Queen, Gunpowder, Gelatine”

 

“My name is Raymond. Raymond Jackson. I’m from Glendale.”

“They call me Sister Billie Bear. I could tell you a tale.”

 

“If you buy me a drink” said Raymond with a bit of surreptitious

“Boy have one of these Zimas!” Billie said, “They delicious!”

 

Raymond grabbed the bottle and set down for a spell

Billie said “Settle down child, I got a story I’m going to tell

 

For you this will be a tale about growing up too fast

Hold on to your youth little one, believe me, it doesn’t last”